Dining Un-Dead?

They ate in silence - but they said they were having a "lovely" time. According to this post in the Chicago Tribune, the dining dead are all around us. Whether it's the texting drones or the silent non-tech couples, it seems there is an epidemic of dead silent dining going on.

New communications tools have their limits.

My friend David posted this on Facebook and I began to reply only to find I'd discovered the limits of the posting length there. How's that for irony?

Dining Etiquette - Neither Tweety nor Silent Be

Cellphones, Blackberries and laptops are off limits at the dinner table. (Unless someone has a crisis call they need to be on alert for. Then, that's it.) It's not just about technology, it's also about communicating. The two are different, you know. (Even the author of the Trib piece seems to confuse the two.)

I often look at those couples - you know the deadly silent ones - and think God let's not ever end up that way! I don't think it's about being married as one person in the article said, or not knowing how to disconnect from technology, as everyone assumes. 

It's about a couple of simple things: knowing how and when to communicate, or not. And communication is not a one way data dump. Think of it like tossing a ball back and forth. Data dump is one person constantly throwing at or to the other, ball after ball after ball. That's not interaction. 

Communication can be fractured and compacted and immediate. And technology-assisted. But we forget that texting is not the same thing or the whole game - it is merely a form of communication to be used in certain proscribed circumstances. But not at dinner. Conversation is another form of communication. It should be interactive (unless you're off your meds and alone), it should be attentive, it can be entertaining, enlightening, thought-provoking, inspiring, touching, funny. It can be so many things if we let it. If we choose it. This is about intention.

Here's my advice for Breathers who want to breathe new life into dinner (or other) conversation.

1) Dine with (and by all means, marry) the right person.

This is half the battle. If you've run out of things to talk about it means you're not thinking, not growing, not curious. Or possibly you're exhausted, but that can't be an excuse for daily silent dinners. In a healthy couple you trade off "carrying the ball" when your partner has had one of those grueling days.

Think about what you can do for the other, not what you need from the other. Just asking yourself that question will change things.

Same goes for friends. You should surround yourself with fun, interesting people who enrich your life, bring new perspectives or ideas. 

2) Remember any dinner guest has the responsibility to bring something interesting to the table. I'm not talking about a new flavor of panna cotta for the potluck. I'm talking about interesting conversation and good company. We do that at dinner parties, why wouldn't we do the same for our own families?

Rose Kennedy used to post a news clipping on the cork board outside the dining room so the kids (the kids being JFK, RFK, Teddy...) knew the topic of the day. They were to be prepared with an opinion on it. Is it any wonder these guys grew up to be so influential? They were thinkers, trained to be so from an early age.

Try modifying that by bringing up a news item to discuss. Not gossip or bad news, but something interesting and out of the ordinary. Like, where exactly the Appalachian Trail is and how one might lose their way, only to end up in Argentina. See, you could even learn some geography. Or, why Bank of American kept extending Michael Jackson's credit when he was already so many millions in debt? 

3) Phone etiquette: ask permission if you must dial, text or tweet.

a) If you happen to remember someone you had to get back to earlier in the day, and it really can't wait - ask permission of your dining partner. Send the text or make a quick call to let the other person know you will return the call fully later, or the next day, or by email. Don't hold the call at the dinner table. Then shut the phone or crackberry off.

b) If you're out with an aquaintance or friend - don't Tweet or Facebook the encounter without permission and don't do it while you should be enjoying each other's company. If being out with me is a scoop, and I can understand that it might feel that way, then please at least let me know you are posting it on Twitter or Facebook or both so I can prepare for the barrage of disappointed emails from friends I didn't invite to join us. (I'm kidding, but you get my point.)

4) Play a getting-to-know-you game:

 a) Shake things up: ask your partner one of those fun couples' game questions - like "If you could cheat and be certain not to be caught, would you do it?" Or, "Guess how many years I'd remain married to a Zombie?" You will be certain to learn something new and interesting about your partner.

b) Share a new story with your partner just to see if they're paying attention: "Did I ever tell you about the time I Giselle Bundschen hit on me in a bar in the Village?"

Seriously folks....I actually think the ability to be in constant communication has some disadvantages. If we have texted or phoned each other all day long, the chances will be significantly slimmer that there is something new to talk about come dinner time! Try holding on to something to save for dinner.

Instant can be less gratifying than delayed...we've just forgotten. Perhaps because we were too busy Tweeting.
 
 

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Silence under-rated!
written by nika , June 27, 2009

I have not eaten alone with my husband since the birth of our first child, almost 13 years ago.

Come to think of it, we have not eaten out as a family since the birth of our second child almost 6 years ago.

If we were to go out to eat as a family (and be observed) I think you would hear mostly kid noises and adults reminding said kids to not chew on the table and to eat with one's mouth shut.

I can not imagine eating alone with the DH anymore.. and if it were to happen, I think we would sit there sorta fish eyed, trying to remember what we were going to say, some 13 years before when we last had a simple adult to adult non-child related conversation.

Maybe thats whats going on with your quiet couples - silence is profoundly and VASTLY under-appreciated, trust me on that.

Rules of engagement
written by Vivian Boroff , June 27, 2009

One thing my husband and I agree on is no phones at the dinner table. We don't always get to have dinner together because of our work schedules, so when we do, that time is reserved strictly for us. Its our time to catch up with one another and we enjoy it. I never thought much about it until I had lunch with some girlfriends, and throughout lunch each one of us had responded to a phone call, a text, an email or a tweet. By the time our lunch was done and we each had to get back to work, I realized that we really didn't talk much at all and thought it was pretty sad. Maybe next week when we lunch again, I can convince them to turn the volume off on their cell phones for an hour.

Nika
written by Jacqueline , June 27, 2009

Thanks for stopping by. Can I tell you something? You need a babysitter! In fact, if you haven't been on a date with your husband in 13 years, I'm volunteering!

PS in Chinatown there are often loud boisterous families enjoying the meal together. You could try that - good food, family priced, and an atmosphere we call "happy noise."

Vivian
written by Jacqueline , June 27, 2009

Isn't it true? I find it's much more likely to happen with "just friends" but then why would we treat our best girls to less attention than our husband's get? Time for a mid-course correction on that one..for all of us.

long drive!
written by nika , June 28, 2009

LOL, yeah it would be great to get a chance to be one of those families in chinatown - we are like 1.5 hours outside of Boston so its not likely!

re: babysitters - its ok and thank you for the kind offer. We are very used to it. We would need a sitter who could tend kids and goats and chickens - hard to get away from the homestead for long without some sort of chore needing be done

...
written by RichardA , June 28, 2009

Nice post. I would like to add that better communication, better guests and better rapport at meals can make food and wine taste better. I have said before how good wine always tastes better when shared with good friends. The same applies to food as well. People eating and drinking silently are as if they are eating and drinking alone. And the food and wine won't be as good as it could be.

...
written by Chez US , June 30, 2009

I say the same thing ... hope we never become that couple! This is a great piece!!

RichardA
written by Jacqueline , July 01, 2009

I forget the word you taught me for a good conversationalist. But it's true that good company can make even a simple meal an event. (and bad company can ruin a feast!)

Chez Us
written by Jacqueline , July 01, 2009

Having met you both now, I don't see it happening!

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